Annual musings

gray brighton october

At the risk of being a downer, coming back to England and its gray, dreary weather is not doing much for morale-specifically, my own. Barring one exceptional day, it has rained on these shores every day since we got back from our trip last week. Also, it’s cold. Like, skipped right over any sort of autumn and went straight to the weather that will be here through March (mid-50s, lots of rain, very monotone). And I can barely believe it was only a week ago that we came back-it seems like Ohio was ages ago, those memories tinted with a blaze of red and orange leaves everywhere, cold nights and warm days, and all the pumpkin spice lattes a girl could drink. Ahhh.

But that trip is over and now in one fell swoop I am seemingly unemployed and stuck inside while the rains continue to fall outdoors. Jon went back to work on Monday, that lucky duck, and so I’ve got a lot of alone time on my hands. My birthday is this weekend, and while I feel like I say this every year, I thought there would be some sort of tangible more to my life by this age. 28. Not old. But not young. Like I keep hitting these weird roadblocks that no one else is getting. Where my problems aren’t that I’m stuck in some mundane path itching to get out-but that I SHOULD have picked a more mundane path, because then at least I’d have more to show for it. And is it weird that one of the things I’m proudest of in my life at this point is my relationship? Because I don’t want to be a woman defined by that, but I am unabashedly pleased with where we are and how much joy we bring one another. And I don’t want to keep going to school because of my zig-zaggy life choices, and I don’t want to have kids yet either. I would love to travel more, but now isn’t a good time if I want to get the English visa that I’m after (which requires me to be in the UK full time for 2 and a half years first). So many questions and ideas and every year on my birthday I just wonder-where will I be next year? What will have changed? Will I be more satisfied then?

Last year at this time I was a few months away from finishing my Master’s. Newly, barely married but living in Ohio while Jon was living in Brighton. Chilling in my room in the Short North and wishing that time would speed up so Jon and could be legitimately together, while at the same time trying to soak up all the time in America I had left. And the year since then has been a good one, no doubt. No complaints to be had, not really, and in fact, so many things to be thankful for. But there is a yearning and a questioning that maybe will never be sated. Maybe 50 years from now, nearing my 78th birthday I’ll be asking the same things; what next? What is there for me in this life?

3 thoughts on “Annual musings

  1. I hope you are still asking that question when you’re 78. to me it means you are still striving for more. je t’aime.

  2. I think there are lots and lots of people who are thinking the same things about themselves. Myself included, to an extent. Can’t wait til you come back again ladyfriend!

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